American Heroes

 

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In 1997, Donald Trump proposed erecting a giant statue of Christopher Columbus on the West Side of Manhattan, where he owned property. Created by Russian artist Zurab Tsereteli, the statue (entitled Birth of the New World) was huge: 268 feet tall (taller than the Statue of Liberty) and 6,500 tons. Trump  was, according to The New Yorker, “absolutely favorably disposed toward” having this sculpture tower over the Hudson. Whether that’s because it had “$40 million worth of bronze in it”  or because he felt a kinship with a rapacious, racist, self-aggrandizing, larger-than-life, real estate tycoon, well, we can only speculate . . . 

Christopher Columbus: Trust Me, a Tremendous [Fantasy] Interview

(with apologies to history, the truth, and even, goddammit, Donald Trump)

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Mr. Columbus, thank you for joining us this evening. There have been some controversies of late that I thought you would want to address.

People love me. And you know what, I have been very successful. Everybody loves me.

Yes. But perhaps you’d like to respond to allegations of cruelty toward the natives of Hispaniola, what is now Haiti and

I have a great relationship with the [natives]. I’ve always had a great relationship with the [natives]. . . .

the Dominican Republic. In particular the allegations that the men under your rule hunted natives with dogs for sport . . .

I will say, the people that are following me are very passionate.

Mr. Columbus, you have implied that some of the native people you encountered were evil and that they quote “eat human flesh” unquote. Do you have any actual evidence that they were cannibals?

Well, somebody’s doing the [eating]. Somebody’s doing it. Who’s doing the [eating]? Who’s doing the [eating]?

No one. Historians have debunked the rumor that you started. Would you like to apologize to the native population for your racist innuendo?

I think apologizing’s a great thing, but you have to be wrong. I will absolutely apologize, sometime in the hopefully distant future, if I’m ever wrong.

Sir, you have admitted to selling women and children into sex slavery

I did not. I did not. I do not say that.

We have a letter right here to a member of the Royal Court in which you write, “There are plenty of dealers who go about looking for girls; those from nine to ten are now in demand, and for all ages a good price must be paid”

That’s called business, by the way. That makes me smart.

But sex slavery? Of children?

As a businessman and explorer, I have legally used [colonial] laws to my benefit and to the benefit of my company, my investors, and my employees. Honestly, I have brilliantly — I have brilliantly used those laws . . . I built an unbelievable company.

And yet although you set out to find a trade route to Asia, you never actually arrived in Asia. And you never admitted that.

Wrong. Wrong. My whole life is about winning. I don’t lose often. I almost never lose.

An increasing number of municipalities—including Boulder, Colorado, Cambridge, Massachusetts, Santa Fe, New Mexico, plus the states of Alaska and South Dakotacelebrate Indigenous People’s Day instead of Columbus Day. What do you say to those who see you not as a hero but as a symbol of genocidal colonization?

I think the big problem this country has is being politically correct. I’ve been challenged by so many people, and I don’t frankly have time for total political correctness.

OK, well, many people seem to agree, and continue to celebrate Columbus Day. But a large percentage of your supporters seem to be under the impression that you discovered America, when in fact the first humans on North American soil were there about 10,000 years before you existed; Leif Ericson landed there around 500 years before you set sail; and you yourself got no closer than Cuba. Your response?

I love the poorly educated!

 

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3 thoughts on “American Heroes

  1. David F. Branz says:

    A nice bit of work, Kate, and not too heavy-handed. There’s a reason for the dysfunctional nature of Western Civilization. More folk are killed every day, right now, than Columbus and his partners ever slaughtered. I’m sure you are aware of Syria, Yemen, Iraq, Somalia, Afghanistan, and other hot spots. There was a time when I would have heaped scorn on the lines (below) written by Alexander Pope, but there is profound truth in them. Best wishes for you and your family–David Branz

    Alexander Pope: The Essay on Man (1733) The First Epistle X Cease then, nor ORDER Imperfection name: Our proper bliss depends on what we blame. Know thine own point: This kind, this due degree Of blindness, weakness, Heav’n bestows on thee. Submit–In this, or any other sphere, Secure to be as blest as thou canst bear: Safe in the hand of one disposing Pow’r, Or in the natal, or the mortal hour. All Nature is but Art, unknown to thee; All Chance, Direction, which thou canst not see; All Discord, Harmony, not understood; All partial Evil, universal Good: And, spite of Pride, in erring Reason’s spite, One truth is clear, “Whatever IS, is RIGHT.” [My emphasis, but Pope’s capital letters]

    ________________________________

  2. Norman says:

    Brilliant, Kate. So glad to see you were saving up for this one. it’s been too long. But don’t apologize to The Donald. One of the things that amuses me about Americans is that they actually think you can do anything, and if you apologize, it’s all over with and you get a clean start. Ergo, if The Donald actually apologized, he could blow up the whole world and it would be fine. But he takes it a step further. He doesn’t apologize and thinks we should think he’s the greatest anyway. All started with “I’m OK, you’re OK” and Mr. Rogers, who, like Jesus, liked everyone just the way they are, no matter how deplorable they may have been.

  3. This was brilliant Kate—It made me smile and laugh and then smile some more. We were debating in the office whether to wish people a happy columbus day, as we often do. We shouldn’t! It’s like . . . like . . . celebrating Trump’s birthday! Good to see and see you again soon!

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